Lady in waiting

I was that girl that sent a missionary boy off. He was the one you guys, atleast I thought and felt so strongly that he was. Before he had left we had conversations about..well everything. We had decided together that I wouldn't even date for fun..WHY would I? Like I said he was the one. Anyways he really wanted me to stay away from one specific individual that was a boy from my past and he made me promise. Then I was given a list...pretty much a "for Keri to do list while I'm gone"
--Get to know his family
--Get a job
--School
--Learn to cook + Laundry
--Read the Book of Mormon
!!STAY AWAY from above 'said' boy!!
--Also gave me instructions on how to workout... I ran and that was all I was interested in.

Over the next two years my life had drastically changed. I changed. He changed. Obviously we wrote, a lot! I specifically remember him writing to me telling me that we'd be married right away when he returned and how much he missed + loved me and so on.

I was all about girl time, family time, I didn't date, I went to Cosmetology School. I traveled to Europe for a month with my family and then came home and found a job at a photography studio. I went to his family's house so often. His sisters became some of my very favorite people very quickly! On Christmas I went over for THE phone call and even went to his Extended family Christmas Party! People, I was seriously committed to dominating that dang checklist! I also diligently read my scriptures and ran every.single.day. Check check check on all the to-do's!

My friends, the girls that got me through. But one sweet girl stands out an extra bunch! Sadly, I don't see her anymore but I think of her often and know that she was someone I needed. A bigger someone, who knew much more than I ever could, sent her straight to me because I needed her!! I remember the ultimate hot guy ((insert chiseled abs, tall, athletic, older, successful, ducks all in a row etc)) was interested in little ME! I said no, not only to him but others too all for who I thought was the one! Well a year went by and I received a letter. I must have known something was wrong. Instead of quickly ripping it open as I walked back down the gravel driveway I let it sit unopened. It basically said date other people, I want to focus on my mission, and we'll see what happens when I get home. ^^insert hot mess here! I slept the rest of the day until my mom came in late that night and held me while I sobbed. I remember her telling me "If it was right when you prayed about it it is right now" The next day my dad, aka the quietest man of all time, asked if he could talk to me. He sat me down on the couch and reassured me that he knew it'd work out in my favor and that he was a good guy. Over the course of these 2 years I had many MANY answered prayers and reassurances that it'd be okay + work out. Amazingly that exact SAME day my BFF received the exact SAME letter. We spent way too much money, ate our hearts out, and cried major ugly tears..but we did it all together! She was heaven sent. And to you sweet friend, if you're reading this, I miss you! I thank you for being there for holding me together and quite literally being the best best friend I could ever have. Thank you!!

His family quit talking to me, I got taken out of his sisters wedding party, and I didn't see them until he got home except for once at her wedding reception. It broke my heart! I wasn't talking to them, or going to their house, or just simply around just because I loved their brother. I genuinely loved them. Were they just my friend because of him? I sure hope not. Except his cousin, who I am still so close with and to you girlfriend you freaking rock!!! I love you.
Anyway, I then started dating + a lot too! I partied with friends! Spent plenty of money. I made a good amount of time for my family and it was the best! I faced a lot of rumors circulating about him, about me, about a lot! But overall I can 100% say I was loving life at the time.

He came home I believe on a Wednesday and I heard absolutely nothing from him until Saturday. My mom and baby sister had taken me out in hopes of keeping my head off of things. We were headed home and before we pulled in to the driveway there was his truck, parked in the very same spot it was parked two years ago. We hugged + tight too. Sunday he talked in church and my entire family and a couple friends came...we barely talked, I didn't think much of it I mean there were lots of people to talk to. He didn't even ask for my number you guys and he wasn't going to either. A couple weeks later after very few + short conversations and seeing him maybe once up popped a picture of him out on a group date with a girl who wasn't me! WHAT?!! You are telling me that I just waited for you for two whole years, that I'm not getting back and you aren't even giving me the time of day? You have to be kidding me! He couldn't even have a face to face conversation with me that he wasn't interested. I had check marked every.single. thing on that to do list and was there waiting and ready to marry the gosh darn kid! He couldn't even take me on a sympathy date; no communication, no answers, no closure. Nope, notta, zilch, NOTHING!!

Months later I had gotten to the point where I was finished dating for awhile and then DUN DUN DUNNNN comes Prince Charming. Jace picked up every broken piece of my broken heart + life. He ended up loving me for who I was and I didn't need to check off any to-do's! It was the best!! We went out to Jamba Juice on a Thursday and by that Sunday I knew he was really 'the one'! A month and a half after our first date we were engaged and 3 months later married!

So said missionary boy has recently gotten engaged --I can say the following because Mr. and I have already talked about all of this-- my first initial thought was "what does she have that I didn't" "is she prettier than I am" I love my husband, I love the life that we have built with each other. Thankfully, Jace recognized that he was an incredibly BIG piece of my life. I was flustered, at my wits end, and I literally couldn't sleep. Feelings of insecurity came rushing back; I'm not adequate, I'm not pretty...Did she complete your checklist? blah blah and so on! You know the thoughts, right girls?

I know that things didn't work out with him, and they didn't end the way I thought that they would. There were certainly times that I felt like Heavenly Father led me astray. I realize now that he actually was leading me to the life that I have now this entire time. He led me to a man who loved me for me, who adored me then and still does. Who led me to a beautiful life with two absolutely beyond perfect little boys. How grateful I am for a check list that helped me learn and grow! Thankful for his family who had accepted me and allowed me in to their home. Grateful for a boss that still allows me to work for her 7 years later. Grateful for an opportunity to read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover and develop my very own testimony of it. Grateful for the love of running that I developed over that time. Grateful for besties to lean on and an incredibly supportive + encouraging family (they're the top of the line as far as families go) --and extra grateful that I can undoubtedly grateful that I can not only do my own laundry but the laundry of three boys! So to you missionary boy, congratulations and thank you for more memories than I can count and for in a very round a bout way leading me to my husband! and an extra huge shout out to a husband that didn't judge me, feel less loved by me, or think I was crazy for sharing with him feelings about this entire post! You truly are my one and I mean it!

You alone are enough.

"You've got the CUTEST boys that keep you busy. You handle the two children thing like you've been doing it for years. Seriously, so impressive! You are so calm and are truly a natural! Clearly your boys adore you and you are such a fun mom!

I think it's safe to say that a lot of the time I feel like I'm not adequate to have two little boys who depend on me for practically everything. I mean, it's up to Jace and I, to keep two of the cutest + sweetest + obviously needy little humans alive. I find myself impatiently checking the clock over and over again just waiting for daddy to walk through the door to let me have a solo potty break!

I feel like I'm just falling short. Short in my duties as a wife, as a mother, homemaker, sister, daughter, friend, wanna be blogger, wanna be in shape mom, wanna be successful SeneGence seller, wanna change the world girl. It's true we beat ourselves up. Some days I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water, like I'm constantly swimming up stream and just waiting to catch a break, for that 'so-said stream' to be shallow enough for my feet to touch the bottom if even for just a few short seconds.

I think we spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, that we don't ever stop to see that we are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and our hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and that tomorrow is another day.

You may feel like you're not doing enough --Maybe like YOU simply aren't enough. The little few second break that you're just waiting so patiently to catch. Well it's coming. Whether it's in the form of a text, a phone call, a sincere comment or compliment.. for me, it's that little boy taking a quick break from playing outside to hug me tight and let me know that we're "fwends" or to hear him say "love you mommy" or to watch him literally run to my seat as quickly as he can to call dibs on my "lap" LAP" "LAAAAP"! It's my chubby babe that keeps me up in the night but has the most angel like twinkle in his little eyes while doing so. and oh that precious toothless-ear to ear-grin that only I get because I'm mom. --You just have to know the one I'm talking about. What is it for you? Your mom? Maybe a sibling? Your dog? What about your main squeeze? Whoever or whatever it may be.. I know you have someone or something that makes you feel good. That makes you feel like you can relax and even for just one minute that you are enough!

My point is... I feel very strongly that I'll never be capable of handling 3 children. Why?? Because I struggle with two. If we're being honest with each other it was a shock to me how challenging two babies would really be. I mean people do it all of the time, why can't I? My heart aches at the thought that Ky may be feeling like he isn't getting enough one on one time or that he's missing out on things or that he feels forgotten amidst all the change. I worry that Kue may cry for two minutes too long because I'm getting Kyren a drink or washing an Apple for him. I worry that Kueyn isn't getting enough cuddle/napping time with me.. that Kyren and I were able to have so much of within in these first few precious months. I worry that they're not eating enough, or drinking enough water out in the sun. I worry that Kyren has too much phone time, and not enough potty training time. I worry that everyone's judging me as I walk through Walmart dragging my two year old out of the toy section with a baby screaming in his car seat. I worry that people are thinking I'm a bad mom because I gave my 6 month old a taste of my Ice Cream. I worry that I'm not enough. The other day as I sat here feeling unworthy, and being extra brutal towards myself I received the above Facebook Message from a girl at play group that I have hardly ever even talked to. She didn't know what I was feeling that day. She didn't know that I really needed to hear that or that my boys screamed the entire way home.. But it was genuine, it was sincere. It touched my heart!

**so two things.

1- When you feel like you should say something to someone, or someone is weighing heavily on your mind or heart, don't be afraid. Say something. Let them know they are pretty and how much you love her shoes. Let them know you're thinking of them or have the cutest little Instagram feed. You think she's a good mommy? Tell her. She needs it! You think he/she is a good human being? Tell them. I promise you, we all need to hear it because we all have hard days. But please be genuine + the most sincere in all that you do and in all that you say!

and 2nd- YOU ARE ENOUGH. You may not see it. But I do. I see you struggling. I see you may be feeling a little bit defeated and really needing that Pepsi/Coke/Dr. Pepper/Fiiz/Coffee/Candy Bar etc. I see you asking "why me" and wanting to stay in bed all day. I see you on the verge of tears and trying with everything in you to hold it together. I see you're trying your best and giving it your all. I see you beating yourself up and stretching yourself thin. But know this...in all of your best efforts and all of your best "try-try-try again-s" I see you. I see your patience, strength, your love, and YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!

All things Kyren

You guys, when did my littlest boy get so big?!! --OR as he would say in a low growly voice "BIG BIG BIG"
He is the character of all characters! His personality is as big as his attitude and his heart even bigger.
I could go on and on about all of the things he has thrown fits about or the naughtiness that this feisty one is made of BUT instead today I'll go on and on about the goodness he has within him!

--I had just gotten both of the boys bathed. We were walking downstairs for a night full of Popcorn and early bedtimes. Kyren was holding my hand down the stairs while Jace walked behind with Kueyn. Just before we had taken our last step Kyren stopped me in my tracks and said "mom, mom, MOM" As I stopped and asked him "what" he very sweetly and excitedly said to me "MOM! You are beautiful"!!! What?! My heart pretty much a puddle on the floor turned and picked this little one up off the step, hugged him real tight, and told him "thank you" I mean, where did he come from?!! When did he even learn that big ol' word?!

--Awhile ago, my husband taught Kyren about being friends. Ever since he has been the biggest advocate for being someone's friend. Life lessons right? One particular morning, I was really really having the hardest time keeping my eyes open. Ky made sure to keep bugging Kue which in turn was bugging me. I had just started to tell Kyren to stop it when all of a sudden he wrapped his little arms around my legs, squeezed real tight + said "mom, we fwends" over and over again. My heart. He does this every night plus some!

--He has this evil laugh and it's just about the funniest + cutest thing. If he is really wanting your attention he will very slyly get you in to his room (or when we're at grandma's the playroom) pulling you by hand, quickly shutting the door behind you, and then he looks at you with a little Kyren smirk and say "HA-HA-HAAAAA"

--Jace opens things by using knives. So in the mornings I would try ever so hard to drag out the amount of time I had to stay in bed. I learned my lesson! One morning I came downstairs to a bag full of candy scattered all the way down the hall in to the kitchen. The table chair moved over to the counter and laying right in front of it was candy wrappers and all sorts of different knives! The little smartie pants had quite literally fended for himself and opened the candy with knives just like his dad would have done. Like they say "they are always watching"!

--Last week I had told Kyren if he let me get my work done I would play with him outside while Kueyn took a nap. I just barely had finished sending my sister in law a text and sat down on the cement to play all things boy aka cars, tractors, trucks, etc. He came and grabbed my phone and kept telling me "table. inside..table" and asked me if that was okay. I told him "yeah, go ahead." after sitting my phone on the table inside he came back out, looked at me, pointed his finger at me and said "no more phone" Oh Kyren. You kill me.

--He pretty much thinks Kueyn is the cutest thing to ever exist on this Earth...and I'm super biased but I mean, I think they are both the cutest ever! But Kyren will make it be known to be and Jace every day! "Oh Kue-eeee cute mom, kue-ee cute" "aweeee he's cuuuute" every now and then you'll think he says cute but instead he'll say "kue-eeee toot" haha! He's all about the little ones. He is always asking where Stratty is or having to check out the window to make sure baby Kohler is asleep before he can get in to his own bed. There was a little babe on a commercial and he could have sworn that it was Kohler on the tv!

As Kyren would say
--Pop-torn = Popcorn
--Warrrk = Walk
--Say cheese
--Jace = Dad
--Where's mommy's phone?!!
--Where's Jace phone?!!
--Ready. Set. GO.
--Ilk = Milk
--Gummy = Gum

As Kyren does
--He literally can work Snapchat better than I can. No joke!
--Takes his little toy bin from downstairs to the back door and tells me "outside" every.single.day
--Robbing Kueyn of any toy he's currently playing with. UGH!
--Is obsessed with pushing Kue in the stroller + going on walks.
--He calls + facetimes grandma, papa, and dad on a weekly/daily basis.

It's so good to be home!

Some of you may know that we moved out of my inlaws and in to a home of our own.
It has been a long LONG time coming and has been a huge work in progress, still is.
We have put a lot of time, a lot of hard work, a lot of sweat + tears, and a lot of money in to this place that we now get to call our home. I'm so grateful for the people that have helped us pull this off; family, and a few of the sweetest and greatest friends! Thank you, thank you from the very most bottom part of my heart. We needed you, and are so thankful for you!

This was a HUD home. The day we went through it was the first and the only house that we looked at! How's that for taking a big leap? That same day we had to make an offer on it. With HUD homes they don't tell you if anyone else has bid or how high or low they may have offered. It was as is. The people before us made holes in the wall, taken all appliances, took the garage door, and we knew it needed a lot of work and a lot of love. (But love is just what we could give the place) We let our realtor know our offer and she had told me we probably wouldn't hear back for a few more weeks. I stressed majorly. I really wanted to live basically next door, to my husbands brother and his little family! The next day I had gotten a phone call. We got the house! WHAT?!! Woah. Well that all happened a lot quicker than I had imagined. Overwhelmed, stressed, excited, antsy, anxious, and just joy filled my heart!
The process was long, and it was hard! We had a whole bunch of hoops and hurdles to jump through and at times we thought it'd be better to back out. We hung in there though! We
closed on our house two days after Kueyn was born as well as sold one of our cars! What can I say? Adulting at its very finest! --Well, without further a do. Here's our little home!

The Kitchen

You guys, redoing cupboards is no joke. Thank you to my big sister, Amy for taking on the task of helping me. They live in Texas and when they came to visit her and her husband both apologized for not being able to help more! She did a lot of the work on the cupboards and then taught me so I could do it on my own. Spencer painted a wall for us and fast too!
We cleaned, sanded, painted, and stained the edges of our cupboards. Later on, we will add door knobs and decorations will go on top of the cupboards. We also hung two decorative shelves above the table:)

We really lucked out because my sister in laws parents were redoing their kitchen and gave us the dishwasher, microwave, and stove + the chandelier above the kitchen table all for free. My mom also gave us her fridge because she wanted a new one :) Like I said we got really lucky! Thanks everyone.

Shiplap Wall

First we painted the entire wall the blue/gray color the rest of the house is. My mom and Jace measured everything out and put the marks on the wall. We had our system down and rocked it! It was really a pretty quick process! --I admit that I did make a fuss about a tv being hung on this wall and refuse to let anything else find it's place there. Haha! I just really really love it!

I sanded each and every board.

My mom and Jace would place every board on the wall and then nail it in. Later on came the painting!

I'm not joking when I say that we painted literally every single wall in this place..I can now tell you that I never want to paint another wall in my entire life. It was brutal, friends. Worth it? Definitely...but brutal!

We had the downstairs, and all of the bedrooms upstairs textured. That costed a pretty penny and we low balled how much paint we would need for the place. My sweet father in law + my loving husband framed every single window in our house and they look absolutely beautiful now! Pictures don't do it justice.

Jace says he got the TV and I got the furniture. Let's be honest, I would have settled for the much cheaper furniture but he got what he wanted ;) Okay okay fine, I am really REALLY happy that we ended up with these babies. I wanted gray --That's what I got. They are super comfortable and we love the wedge that has a shelf and outlets for phones + anything else in the middle. I also love love love the main piece. If you notice in the pictures the middle folds down and up. Meaning we can have it down to hold our drinks and for an arm rest, or to lay Kueyn in the corner OR we can have it up and sit right next to each other. Ashley furniture you can thank me later for the advertisement for any readers.

DownStairs Bathroom

I am so in love with this room. My mom and I shiplapped that wall very very last minute + we did it without any men! :)
If any of you know my mom she is truly an angel and the most handy one at that! She took the toilets out too.
Thanks mom!
We painted this bathroom a Yellow-ish creamy color, took out the vanity, got a new mirror, new light fixture + new sink and hung some shelves. We just had to replace both toilets, because ew! The germaphobe in me definitely came out!

I decided to decorate this bathroom in London decor because my husband served his mission there. It's still not finished completely but hopefully soon I'll find the missing pieces and it will all come together!

The stairs

My sweet inlaws came over twice and painted this for us. You can't really tell but my father in law made a plank to be able to get to the tippy top! And the framed window --Pictured below. I told you they were beautiful!

Upstairs Bathroom

We painted the entire bathroom the same pretty yellow-ish cream color that we did downstairs and decided to pull the laminate flooring out and get it tiled. My moms neighbor boys did the downstairs bathroom and the upstairs and we couldn't be more happy with how it turned out! Thank goodness my mom knows how to clean a shower! It was the most disgusting thing you guys! Thanks to her it's good as new --although, I miss my inlaws shower. Embarrassingly enough, the first 3 weeks we were in this house I still went down to their house to shower! haha.

This is the before picture of Kueyn's bedroom and right now it's just a room of boxes and things waiting to be put in their right places. His crib isn't even in there yet! Like I said, it's all a big work in progress. It is painted though, the same light blue color :)

Kyren's room. Multiple times we would ask Kyren which room was his and he would go back and forth between the two. Eventually, this is the one he stuck with. It's more like a toy room with a bed in it ;) Like we have said many times in this post...there is work to be done! There will be things hung on the wall, curtains up, and decorations. We just haven't gotten there just yet!

He slept in that big boy bed like a champ. The first night we were here we put him in it and thought it'd be a rough long night. It turns out he went right to sleep and didn't come in to our room at all the entire night. It was the strangest + greatest thing. We haven't been so lucky lately, he climbs out and literally destroys his room. He get's destructive and throws everything..not to play with it, just to make a mess. Two year olds!

Master Bedroom

--All of the doors in the house were that creamy color. So this Summer we will be taking them all of, going outside, and spraying them a bright beautiful white! I couldn't be more excited to get that done and over with! I'm welcoming the sunshine with open and big arms!

all downstairs was this dark dark red color. Originally I wanted a gray with a slight blue tint. It is definitely blue but I'm happy with it!

We are all still adjusting. In fact, I've had the hardest time of all. I genuinely and truly love my in-laws with everything in me! Living there was the greatest thing that could have happened for me personally. Kyren was truly the happiest playing downstairs with his grandparents and knowing we were just upstairs. I bawled my eyes out the moment we pulled out of the driveway and there are days that my heart truly hurts to be there again...But we welcome this new adventure and are excited to have a place to call ours!

Again, I can't thank everyone enough. Thank you for painting, thank you for cleaning, thank you for offering your opinions on where shelves should be hung, thank you for bringing us food, thank you for watching our boys, thank you for making this place exactly what I wanted it to be. You're all the very best there is, and I mean it!

Thanks for reading, xoxo!

You matter.

I was able to attend a Momday Conference at the beginning of March with my sweetest mom and baby sister. It was just what my mommy heart needed. It touched me in all the right places and gave me all of the warm fuzzies.
--And thankfully so.

These are a few things that I hope that I can remember.
1- Fill my Mom account.
2- Why talk others down? Why can't we all be up?!!
--it all begins with one single thought. and every single thought matters!
3- Sisterhood.
4- Own it. Be unapologetic and intentional with the things you say + love.

Let's start with #1. Why do we as mom's or even women (atleast I know I do) feel selfish when we go to Target and leave with the jeans we had to have? I know that I do. Girl if those cute jeans make your little butt look fine + fill your mom cup then for heck sakes. Buy the jeans! If it's that bright red lipstick that does the trick and helps you get through the day, wear the bright red lipstick EVERY single day. I don't care if it's a daily Kit Kat or an Almond Snickers or the almost $3.00 Fiiz Drink... I don't care what it is. If it's going to fill up your mom account so that you can take and take and keep taking from it then do it! When you feel good, when you take a minute, or even two hours for yourself, then your kids (your husband, your family, your neighbors, etc) will all end up benefiting.

Oh good, we made it to #2. Why talk others down? When we look at those small squares on Instagram what goes through our heads? and then what kind of emotions come from that? If we think "Oh my gosh! She's so lucky she won a free trip to Disneyland. -Oh hey there jealousy- When we walk in to the room and see a pile of clothes on the ground and we think "ugh! Both the hanger and the closet are right there. Can he not hang them up? I'm not his mom." -Oh my gosh. I'm so mad- It all begins from one single thought. Why can't we be happy for the girl who won a trip to disneyland? Why can't we walk in to the closet and see that pile of clothes and think oh my husband was in such a big hurry to play with the boys that he tossed his clothes. If we could make our minds change their way of thinking how much happier could we be and how much happier would we be for others? I want to be genuinely happy for my friends + my family who are going places, who are chasing their dreams, who are successful, who are happy with what they have. Why do we have to knock someone else down to their knees in order to build ourselves up? Why can't they be great and why can't I?

Oh hi #3. Sisterhood. I was raised with 3 sisters and then married in to a family and got even more. --I know, the luckiest. I also have a tribe of "sisters" I have a bunch of girl friends to add to those sweetest sisters who I deeply love and who lift me up always. I feel so blessed to be surrounded in person, and social media with women who continually build me up, who tell me I can do hard things, who come to my DoTERRA parties just to show their support, who text me just to ask how I'm doing. Let's lift each other up --As friends, as sisters, as moms, and as women!

Last #4. Own it! Own who you are, where you're at, and what you have! What do you say when someone asks you what you do? I used to say "Oh I'm JUST a mom" and then a 'but' would follow. NO NO NO! You're not JUST a mom. You're the very best mom! Be proud of the homemaker that you are and those babies that fight you for naps, and cry for who knows why. Some of you may work out of the home and to you I say own it. You leave your babies to work and then come home and you keep working the rest of the night! Don't feel guilty. You own it because that is hard! Maybe you work everyday all day long and you barely get to see your husband because the two of you are making your dreams come true. So what do you do? You own it, and you rock it! Don't be sorry for the human that you beautifully are! There once was a time that we didn't think twice about what we posted on social media, or what time it was posted, or how many likes that picture (close to our hearts) received, and so what if you posted twice in one day?!! I forever want to be unapologetic and intentional with the things that I post, that I share, that I say and most of all that I love!

Aren't we all just trying to do and be our very best? For ourselves, for our littlest humans, for our fur babies, and for the family members who fill our lives with so much joy? Life is hard so lets not be so hard on the people around us and most importantly ourselves. Let's be compassionate + uplifting. Let's be endearing, and genuine. Let's be unapologetic and intentional with our actions and thoughts. Let's remember who we are and what that means! Let's think highly of others and highly of ourselves. And for those wondering who you are, search for it, and find it...and last but certainly not least. OWN IT!!!