Fighting the blues.

Is it just me or has it felt like snow has beautifully covered our green grass for what seems like years? I don't know about you but Kyren and I...and I don't know, maybe even Kue have definitely missed the sunshine and Summer days outside. We can't wait to introduce baby brother to everything outdoors ie. the slide, splish splashin in the pool, the swings at grandma's (everyone's favs.) and just laying on a blanket and feeling the warm summer sun.

Moms. Family. Friends. Random readers. I have had the setback of major postpartum depression after having both my boys. Like, it's bad. I can feel myself losing myself after each one...and slowly, ever SO slowly, I do end up getting back to myself again. So this time around as bad as it has been I have tried extremely hard to force myself out of bed when Kyren wakes up. It's hard, like I feel like it's way harder than it should be. Then I feel like I'm constantly having to "force" myself to do things all throughout the day just because I seriously have NO motivation and just lack the energy to do anything. So just because, or maybe just for me the next go around here are a few things that have helped me see the sunlight!

First, I distinctly remember the following... it was about 1 maybe even 2 weeks after Kue was born. I woke up and again "forced" myself to get ready; showered, makeup on, hair done, and clothes (anything other than sweats). I had told myself the previous night that "tomorrow is the day" I know me, I know how I operate. If I get up, get moving, and get ready I feel 100x better about myself, and about the day. So I ever so sluggishly rolled out of my bed and when I felt like my boys would be okay I hopped right in...turns out, Kueyn cried the entire time and Kyren managed to dump the full bag of potato chips all over the floor. I got out, fed the baby, picked up the spilled chips, and was determined to get myself ready from head to toe. Long story short, with lots of interruptions, baby cries, toddler tantrums, newborn feedings, and who knows what else...after 3 long hours I pulled it off...Then my Husband, (my ever so sweet, and observative husband) got home from work and didn't compliment me, and seemed like he didn't even noticed that after 2 full weeks I actually looked presentable. I waited, and I kept waiting until we jumped in to bed that night. I sadly asked him if he even noticed that I got ready today. Luckily, he did notice but didn't say anything. Insert postpartum meltdown here**! You guys, normally this wouldn't have even phased me but it did and in a BIG way. Jace has yet failed to tell me how good+pretty+sometimes even sexy I look haha!

Second, social media. Does this one just kill you sometimes? I kill myself at how many times I scroll through the exact same posts and at how often I let other peoples life successes, time on their hands, put together they look, dreamy vacations, and just pretty feeds SO many people have. I mean thoughts like "that mom just had a baby ago and she looks like that?", "Look at her perfectly cute decorated mantel, how does she have time for that"? "why can't I look like her when I'm pregnant"? "She has a new outfit on in every single picture" "She is SO pretty" I mean you guys mostly thoughts that just kill my mood. Not that I'm not happy for my girl friends, and not that I would trade my little world for another's life..but I do get envious and I do have wishes, and wants, and goals that I do wish we could reach and achieve a whole lot faster than we have been able to. But honestly, the thing is, is I sit and I beat myself up all day, dad after day, for not being the moms on Instagram or the money makers on Facebook trying to get me to sale their things hahaha! I hope that this year I can just stop. Stop wanting things I don't have. Stop comparing myself to others; the way I look, the things that I have, the way they mother vs. the way I mother etc. I truly agree in the thinking of "we are our worst critics" why do we do that? We as girls and we as momma's?!! I hate it. Although hard, I hope that I can be happier over here in my little corner of the world. I really do have it all. I have the sweetest, best husband + daddy. I have the cutest darn kids (who hate sleeping), I have a car, a home, out of style clothes, and a really really comfy bed among tons of other huge and small blessings all in between.

Third, breaks. Aren't they the best?! As a mom and a wife I often feel like taking care of myself comes last on the to do list...I have also found how satisfying and humbling the few breaks that I have taken for myself actually are. Satisfying because a minute to breathe, pee without Ky walking in, or hearing a baby cry or tantrum being thrown is all great + leaving a salon with cute nails isn't bad either ;) and humbling because I am reminded just how much I seriously love love LOVE my boys. They are a handful + messy + hilarious + loud + from 0-20 the first five minutes in the day. But they are my mess, my handful, and they are my boys. I miss them within minutes of being gone and I have found that the best me that I can give them comes after I have given myself some me time. And of course I'm super grateful for a husband who allows me and trusts me enough to be out on my own, and understands that mom needs some alone time too! Did I ever tell you friends that one day my husband had my mom pick me up, stuffed some money in my purse + a cutesy note and had her take me and my sister to get pedi's. Who does that?!! Oh just my husband. Love you forever, babe.

Forth, look for the good. Because girl, there is SO much good; in you, in your kids (or the kids around you), in your hard working tired husband, in your old car, in your messy house, and most of all in you. When my day is harder than usual I try and sit and make a list of at least 10 things that I am grateful for. I have found that after doing so I'm usually happier and more satisfied with my own life.

Just some random things that have seemed to make the mom load + wife load + be good to yourself a little lighter.
!- Mom time. She's my very best friend! Like, I call her almost everyday + multiple times a day.
2- Sister time. Talking to Brina or my other sisters is seriously therapeutic for me.
3- Kissing Kue's little rolls and his chunky cheeks saves me in times of frustration.
4- Taking the time to soak all of Ky in + listen to him talk + sit and watch him shoot the basketball and just sit and be SO proud that he just made that shot!
5- Serve my husband. The other night I sat and massaged his sore work muscles and afterwards thought how rewarding it was to serve him instead of constantly having him serve me.
6- Blogging. I know I'm not the best writer and not many read this but it does feel good to sit and let the words + my emotions flow.

So to you who are struggling for what ever reason...Whether it's that you just had a baby, or if it's because this gloomy weather is sticking around a little bit too long, or maybe you are just having a no good rotten day. I challenge you to dig deep, to realize you're not doing as bad as you may thing. To remember that it could always be worse, and it could be. To push through your rough days, to squeeze that little one giving you fits, and to kiss those chubby cheeks of the babe that won't quit crying. You are special. You are brave and you are strong!

Introducing Kueyn

Kueyn Duane Ropelato
Born: October 6, 2016
Time 3:57 PM
To: Keri and Jace Ropelato
Weighing 6 lbs. 8.4 oz.
Measuring 18 1/2 inches long

A birth story that should not be forgotten.
It was a Thursday. Jace and I were scheduled to be induced with our second little boy.
I was told to call the hospital that morning at 8:00 to see what time to come in.
The babies must have really wanted to make their debut all in the same day because the hospital was packed.
Well, to our surprise they wanted us to arrive at 8:30. It was already 8:05. Jace was still lying in bed and only half of my head of hair was curled. Shelby, my sweetest sister in law came to watch Ky for the day and then we were off.

The nerves were running high, as only one would imagine.
Honestly, I was just so scared because of my horrific experience with Kyren that I thought there was no way this time would be any different. But boy oh boy was it different! We pulled in to the hospital and I made Jace snap a quick last picture of my prego belly in front of the hospital before our adventure began.

We got checked in and the sweetest lady came and asked me how I was doing. I let her know that I was good but pretty nervous. She quickly let me know that it was going to be a great day and that they were going to take care of me. Already my experience was better than my last. I 100% believe that the nurses at Ogden Regional are the very best there is! Laurel, was my main nurse for the day and she was just the sweetest. My mom arrived a few minutes later and my mother in law a little after my mom. **Two of the greatest women I'll ever know!

They got me my Ice...Which many of you know I craved Ice my ENTIRE pregnancy and nobody has as good as Ice as the hospital. Anyway, time went by and I was feeling great but I was very very slowly dilating and VERRRRRY slowly was my cervix opening.
They let me know that I would need to let them know when I was ready for my epidural but that it would take about 30 minutes to kick in and that I would want to get it before I was really really hurting. My Dr. Was coming at her lunch break to break my water and so we patiently waited.

She came in and broke my water and then I got my epidural and gosh dang it! I waited too long and was really feeling it. Surprisingly though, it was NOTHING like the pain I felt with Kyren. I cried a little bit, and my mom helped me through them and kept reminding me to breathe. I think I got the hang of it! When my epidural kicked in though. Man, was it nice. I didn't know what that felt like since it didn't work at all with Kyren.

My little baby sister, Brini arrived and I remember feeling just so relieved that she had made it in time for Kue's arrival.

I went from being a 4 clear to a 7 within the half an hour and the nurses came in and started setting up and having me push. Shortly after my allstar Dr. arrived and asked if we were ready to have a baby! Boy were we all ready...I prayed for Kueyn so hard, wanted him just so badly, and needed him more than I can express to any of you.

I remember my mom, mother in law, and sister were all on my left side by my head and Jace always likes to watch **haha! He thinks it's the most amazing thing and I guess just loves being right in the middle of it. I pushed and pushed but it was hard for me to even tell how hard I was pushing because I wasn't used to the epidural. Before I knew it I heard a baby cry, saw a smiling husband telling me that I did it, and a room full of happy happy people.

We did it. We brought another little human to earth and I couldn't be more honored to be his mommy!

and just as exciting, heart melting, and just overwhelmingly sweet as it was to watch Jace become a dad for the first time it was as much so with baby boy #2.

and a few more pictures of meeting little Kue.

You guys, we had bought a present to take to the hospital to gift to our little Kyren from the baby...you know, just to keep him from getting jealous and so on. He got there later that night and walked in ever so shyly and peeked over and saw our little Kue...and then he saw his present and that stole the show...but then, later, we placed Ky on my lap and presented him his new little baby brother. Kyren automatically fell in love and has been obsessed with him ever since. He is always asking to hold him, and if he starts to cry Kyren will be the first to tell you "eat eat eat" we hear "oh Kue-eeee" pretty much on repeat everyday.

So many sweet people who mean SO much to us came to meet our most precious little teeny tiny man!

Say hello to the new Ropelato family of FOUR!!!

Letting it out.

For the last month my sweet husband has been home with Kyren and I. Honestly, it has been the all time greatest thing for me and Kyren. Tomorrow he starts a new job and I won't lie I'm completely devastated. Like cry my eyes out and have a really heavy heart devastated. Today has been rough for me, and I feel like my eyes have been needing to leak all day and I have had to keep telling myself to pull it together. Throughout the last month Jace and I have quite literally spent every single day together...at first I was pretty concerned that we would get irritated with each other because let's be real we all need a little alone time. This time was so different. It's not like Kyren and I haven't been on our own throughout the day before and it's not like being home with him by myself is new to me. But I have found myself so scared this time around. I'm not sure if it's because I'm almost 7 months pregnant and have a terribly hard time keeping up with the little skunk or if I just have depended so much upon Jace these last couple of weeks. Jace has been the ultimate champion around here the last few weeks to both KyBug and I. He has given me the breaks that I needed, kept Ky happy, helped with the house work and has ran all over the place just for me. Tomorrow I send him to work and I feel like I'm sending him away for much longer than just a few hours. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Kyren is growing up all too fast. I'm a worry wart mom. I admit it! Like I worry way too much and about wayyyy too many things. There are so many scary and sad defeating things happening in the World today. I can honestly say I have found myself wanting to stay inside away from it all and hide my sweet angel. WHY? Because it truly scares me to take him anywhere. It's sad that we live in a world that is the way it is. I get major anxiety to take him in to public. I get major anxiety in the car because who knows who isn't being aware of their surroundings or just don't care. I get major anxiety when he is at the pool because his little ears have been known for ear infections. I get major anxiety when he's asleep at night and I can't be right where he is. What kind of mom am I? Seriously. I feel like I am losing it! and what kind of life am I living when I am so scared of the things going on that I have pretty much put us in a little bubble.

This little babe of ours will be making his debut in just a couple of months and I'm a nervous wreck you guys. What if Kyren doesn't get the attention he needs? and for that matter what if I'm not able to give Jace the much deserved attention that he needs? What if I'm not capable of loving baby #2 as much as my KyBuggy (It's a real fear, someone please knock some sense in to me)? What if I don't lose all of the baby weight that I've put on so quickly this time around? What if I'm not able to fulfill my church calling or make it to the Temple? What if I lose my patience and say something that I don't mean? What if I'm too hard on Kyren when he is "helping" and feeds our little guy something that he could clearly choke on? What if I mess up? I'm so terrified of messing up.

As one of my very favorite bloggers has said "adulting is hard. mothering is harder" It is you guys, it's so hard.
Marjorie Pay Hinckley has said "Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them. Mothers are endowed with a love that is unlike any other love on the face of the Earth"

Tonight I hugged Ky and got a kiss from him and I wanted to burst in to happy tears **for the first time today because we were finally getting along. Tonight I sent Jace to bed early and on his own so I wouldn't keep him up tossing and turning until 3:30 in the morning...So here I sit, alone. Just me and you, thinking about all of the things I could have done differently today. The longer I sit the longer my list grows. I know I'm overbearing. I know I worry way too much about things that aren't in my control. I know that I baby my Kyren Babe. I know that I often don't give my husband the attention that he so much deserves. I know that I take for granted so many of lifes moments. I know that I need to refocus and count my blessings more than I do. I know that I need to stop drinking so much soda and chewing on so much Ice. I know that I need to let my guard down and just enjoy life. I know that I need to remember what life is about. I know that I need to love a little better and try a little harder......and as I could sit here all night and name to you the things that I know of, of this be sure. I KNOW that of all the things I'm doing wrong in the world or by the "worlds standards" that loving my little family is the one thing I'm doing right. My heart aches to send my husband back to work because I genuinely love him. I love the time that I have had with him and consider it a HUGE blessing that he got laid off...because I have SO needed him and Kyren has SO loved having him home with us. I worry about them too much because I genuinely love them. I fear for their well being because I genuinely love them. I stress about being the "perfect" mom and wife because I genuinely love them. I'm hard on myself, I know it's true. It's not very often that I get the time now days to sit and write down the things going on with us Ropelato's let alone my feelings.. But tonight I write because today my heart has been loaded, has been aching, and the tears have been needing to flow.

So to those who are reading this, thank you for listening. To those who may have a heavy heart for what ever reason..sit and write ten things you are grateful for. To those who just need a good cry let it out. To those Momma's needing to know you are doing okay, you are. You are brave, beautiful, strong, and you are a complete rock star!

Here's my list of ten::
1- My adoring husband.
2- Our beautiful boys.
3- Our families.
4- The Gospel and my testimony.
5- A home to live in.
6- A new day, tomorrow.
7- Prayer.
8- A forever family.
9- Ice.
10- Blessings in disguise.

Cabin Fun

We went camping a few weeks ago with Jace's side of the family and oh guys was it a heck of a ride.
Kyren definitely was not the most pleasant to be around the majority of the week which unfortunately, made for an unpleasant mom to be around.

It's almost disappointing to openly admit how many times I lost my "cool" with my sweet little one. There were nights he wouldn't fall asleep until 3:30 in the morning and then decided he wanted to be up at 5:00 screaming for literally hours on end. One night it was SO bad that I told Jace I was leaving and if our car wouldn't have been blocked in I certainly would have.

If any of you know our little Ky-Bug you know that he is stubborn as all get out. Take Jace and then add in a bit of myself and you get Kyren aka the most stubborn 2 year old you'll ever meet. It's a constant battle between the 3 of us and I'll be honest we rarely win the war.

He walked around with the four wheeling helmets on almost 24-7 and it was the cutest.
Anyway, I didn't take too many pictures because...well, I had my hands full with a grumpy two year old instead of the camera but I was able to capture a few of the good moments we had.

He played with Shelby for what had to be a good two hours straight. Between putting on, taking off, trading helmets, and reading books he was a happy camper and so was I. Thank you Aunt Shelby for giving this mom a much needed mom break!

Anyways, we did get to enjoy the Manti Pageant while we were down there and Kyren was a hoot. He is one funny with a heck of a personality little boy when it is just Jace and I around him but other people rarely get to see his goofy side. Well if anyone was watching they definitely got in on some of what Jace and I get to witness every.single.day! He danced. He giggled. and he honestly was just so fun to watch! I can honestly say he behaved better those two hours than the entire week.

and because these two just melt my heart! Kyren adores his dad and I adore their relationship with each other. He may be a mommy's boy but when dad is around he can always be found not too far behind. These two will be best buddies as Kyren gets older and that I'm sure.

Here's to hoping that there will be far easier camping trips and a much happier baby... Of this I'm sure, our time as a family of 3 is coming to an end and we will soon have another little baby with us. As hard as life can be with just us I will definitely miss the one on one time I will get with Ky and being able to give him so much of my undivided attention.

Kyren turns 2!

"My sweetest, handsome boy. Today you are two! you are a busy-full of energy-smart-charming, with a heart of absolute Gold little go-getter who made me a Mom on this very day two years ago. Every time I think about it, my heart aches but only because I love you SO much! I feel like I have always known you, loved you, and like you've always been mine. Happy birthday to my littlest mini, daddy's little follower, and big big brother. We love you!"

Keeping up with Kyren:
1- You are 23 lbs and 33 inches tall.
2- You have a mighty kick and are bound to be an all-star (just like your daddy)
3- You love your fruits, juice, and anything with sugar!
4- You are as stubborn as they come. **We keep asking you to say 2 and you just won't...unless, it's on your terms when not any one is asking.
5- You say cheese, one and two, please, thank you, welcome, hot, baby, cheese, tickle, choo-choo, sorry, bye, let's go, come on, goal, ow, cookie, Jace, dad, mom, grandma, mine, football, ball, beep-beep, Brina, Stratty, and a number of other things.
6- You know how to open the door to the garage and the garage door :(
7- You can climb out of your crib but instead yell "mom-mom-mom" to come to your rescue.
8- You have had a number of ear infections and may be getting tubes in those small little ears.
9- You have been slowly refusing to nap but if we're lucky you'll go right down and sleep for a few hours.
10- You hate diaper changes, going to bed, and when you don't get your way.
11- You kiss moms belly, and tell little brother to wake up! Let's be real, you're in for a real treat when this little babe makes his debut...I think we are too!
12- You could live outside and you would if we would let you. You enjoy 1-3 Popsicle's a day! --Parents of the year award.
13- You have a major melt down when we leave grandma's and an even bigger melt down if I tell you we can't go to Grandma's at all.
14- You hands down win the award for best and cutest laugh!

To celebrate being two the three of us went to the Hogle Zoo for Ky's very first time. Here's a few pictures to show his sweet little celebration! Thanks for letting us spoil you.

--He may want me a lot of the time but he is truly happiest when Jace is home with us. It has been something real special to watch the two of them together; to interact, to ride Four Wheeler's, to kick balls, to tickle Mom, to watch Kyren fall asleep on Jace's shoulder, to see Jace teach him and sometimes get after him for hitting mom, and really just to watch them eat together, or brush their teeth. It really is the most simplest of things that make my mommy heart happy but to watch my husband and my son together truly warms every part of me!

--Dear Kyren, you entered our lives at a time we weren't expecting you and thought "waiting" to start our family would be the best. I'm so SO thankful our all knowing Heavenly Father had a better and a much different plan for us. You stole my heart at first sight. You my littlest love were the absolute sweetest, easiest, and happiest tiny babe and you have grown in to the busiest, full of tantrums but most loving little boy! I can't tell you how many times you've made the journey, the day, and often even the hour worth it! You melt my heart.

--Funniest thing, his very favorite animals at the entire Zoo were the Sea Otters. I'm sure it's because he loves the Water and could see them swimming below it. But we visited them multiple times and was nervous of all the other animal statues except this one!

You make us happy. We love you SO gosh dang much! Happy birthday to you my favorite two year old and here's to another great year of change, laughter, growth, and memories.

Beautiful Mekena