Fighting the blues.

Is it just me or has it felt like snow has beautifully covered our green grass for what seems like years? I don't know about you but Kyren and I...and I don't know, maybe even Kue have definitely missed the sunshine and Summer days outside. We can't wait to introduce baby brother to everything outdoors ie. the slide, splish splashin in the pool, the swings at grandma's (everyone's favs.) and just laying on a blanket and feeling the warm summer sun.

Moms. Family. Friends. Random readers. I have had the setback of major postpartum depression after having both my boys. Like, it's bad. I can feel myself losing myself after each one...and slowly, ever SO slowly, I do end up getting back to myself again. So this time around as bad as it has been I have tried extremely hard to force myself out of bed when Kyren wakes up. It's hard, like I feel like it's way harder than it should be. Then I feel like I'm constantly having to "force" myself to do things all throughout the day just because I seriously have NO motivation and just lack the energy to do anything. So just because, or maybe just for me the next go around here are a few things that have helped me see the sunlight!

First, I distinctly remember the following... it was about 1 maybe even 2 weeks after Kue was born. I woke up and again "forced" myself to get ready; showered, makeup on, hair done, and clothes (anything other than sweats). I had told myself the previous night that "tomorrow is the day" I know me, I know how I operate. If I get up, get moving, and get ready I feel 100x better about myself, and about the day. So I ever so sluggishly rolled out of my bed and when I felt like my boys would be okay I hopped right in...turns out, Kueyn cried the entire time and Kyren managed to dump the full bag of potato chips all over the floor. I got out, fed the baby, picked up the spilled chips, and was determined to get myself ready from head to toe. Long story short, with lots of interruptions, baby cries, toddler tantrums, newborn feedings, and who knows what else...after 3 long hours I pulled it off...Then my Husband, (my ever so sweet, and observative husband) got home from work and didn't compliment me, and seemed like he didn't even noticed that after 2 full weeks I actually looked presentable. I waited, and I kept waiting until we jumped in to bed that night. I sadly asked him if he even noticed that I got ready today. Luckily, he did notice but didn't say anything. Insert postpartum meltdown here**! You guys, normally this wouldn't have even phased me but it did and in a BIG way. Jace has yet failed to tell me how good+pretty+sometimes even sexy I look haha!

Second, social media. Does this one just kill you sometimes? I kill myself at how many times I scroll through the exact same posts and at how often I let other peoples life successes, time on their hands, put together they look, dreamy vacations, and just pretty feeds SO many people have. I mean thoughts like "that mom just had a baby ago and she looks like that?", "Look at her perfectly cute decorated mantel, how does she have time for that"? "why can't I look like her when I'm pregnant"? "She has a new outfit on in every single picture" "She is SO pretty" I mean you guys mostly thoughts that just kill my mood. Not that I'm not happy for my girl friends, and not that I would trade my little world for another's life..but I do get envious and I do have wishes, and wants, and goals that I do wish we could reach and achieve a whole lot faster than we have been able to. But honestly, the thing is, is I sit and I beat myself up all day, dad after day, for not being the moms on Instagram or the money makers on Facebook trying to get me to sale their things hahaha! I hope that this year I can just stop. Stop wanting things I don't have. Stop comparing myself to others; the way I look, the things that I have, the way they mother vs. the way I mother etc. I truly agree in the thinking of "we are our worst critics" why do we do that? We as girls and we as momma's?!! I hate it. Although hard, I hope that I can be happier over here in my little corner of the world. I really do have it all. I have the sweetest, best husband + daddy. I have the cutest darn kids (who hate sleeping), I have a car, a home, out of style clothes, and a really really comfy bed among tons of other huge and small blessings all in between.

Third, breaks. Aren't they the best?! As a mom and a wife I often feel like taking care of myself comes last on the to do list...I have also found how satisfying and humbling the few breaks that I have taken for myself actually are. Satisfying because a minute to breathe, pee without Ky walking in, or hearing a baby cry or tantrum being thrown is all great + leaving a salon with cute nails isn't bad either ;) and humbling because I am reminded just how much I seriously love love LOVE my boys. They are a handful + messy + hilarious + loud + from 0-20 the first five minutes in the day. But they are my mess, my handful, and they are my boys. I miss them within minutes of being gone and I have found that the best me that I can give them comes after I have given myself some me time. And of course I'm super grateful for a husband who allows me and trusts me enough to be out on my own, and understands that mom needs some alone time too! Did I ever tell you friends that one day my husband had my mom pick me up, stuffed some money in my purse + a cutesy note and had her take me and my sister to get pedi's. Who does that?!! Oh just my husband. Love you forever, babe.

Forth, look for the good. Because girl, there is SO much good; in you, in your kids (or the kids around you), in your hard working tired husband, in your old car, in your messy house, and most of all in you. When my day is harder than usual I try and sit and make a list of at least 10 things that I am grateful for. I have found that after doing so I'm usually happier and more satisfied with my own life.

Just some random things that have seemed to make the mom load + wife load + be good to yourself a little lighter.
!- Mom time. She's my very best friend! Like, I call her almost everyday + multiple times a day.
2- Sister time. Talking to Brina or my other sisters is seriously therapeutic for me.
3- Kissing Kue's little rolls and his chunky cheeks saves me in times of frustration.
4- Taking the time to soak all of Ky in + listen to him talk + sit and watch him shoot the basketball and just sit and be SO proud that he just made that shot!
5- Serve my husband. The other night I sat and massaged his sore work muscles and afterwards thought how rewarding it was to serve him instead of constantly having him serve me.
6- Blogging. I know I'm not the best writer and not many read this but it does feel good to sit and let the words + my emotions flow.

So to you who are struggling for what ever reason...Whether it's that you just had a baby, or if it's because this gloomy weather is sticking around a little bit too long, or maybe you are just having a no good rotten day. I challenge you to dig deep, to realize you're not doing as bad as you may thing. To remember that it could always be worse, and it could be. To push through your rough days, to squeeze that little one giving you fits, and to kiss those chubby cheeks of the babe that won't quit crying. You are special. You are brave and you are strong!