Letting it out.

For the last month my sweet husband has been home with Kyren and I. Honestly, it has been the all time greatest thing for me and Kyren. Tomorrow he starts a new job and I won't lie I'm completely devastated. Like cry my eyes out and have a really heavy heart devastated. Today has been rough for me, and I feel like my eyes have been needing to leak all day and I have had to keep telling myself to pull it together. Throughout the last month Jace and I have quite literally spent every single day together...at first I was pretty concerned that we would get irritated with each other because let's be real we all need a little alone time. This time was so different. It's not like Kyren and I haven't been on our own throughout the day before and it's not like being home with him by myself is new to me. But I have found myself so scared this time around. I'm not sure if it's because I'm almost 7 months pregnant and have a terribly hard time keeping up with the little skunk or if I just have depended so much upon Jace these last couple of weeks. Jace has been the ultimate champion around here the last few weeks to both KyBug and I. He has given me the breaks that I needed, kept Ky happy, helped with the house work and has ran all over the place just for me. Tomorrow I send him to work and I feel like I'm sending him away for much longer than just a few hours. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Kyren is growing up all too fast. I'm a worry wart mom. I admit it! Like I worry way too much and about wayyyy too many things. There are so many scary and sad defeating things happening in the World today. I can honestly say I have found myself wanting to stay inside away from it all and hide my sweet angel. WHY? Because it truly scares me to take him anywhere. It's sad that we live in a world that is the way it is. I get major anxiety to take him in to public. I get major anxiety in the car because who knows who isn't being aware of their surroundings or just don't care. I get major anxiety when he is at the pool because his little ears have been known for ear infections. I get major anxiety when he's asleep at night and I can't be right where he is. What kind of mom am I? Seriously. I feel like I am losing it! and what kind of life am I living when I am so scared of the things going on that I have pretty much put us in a little bubble.

This little babe of ours will be making his debut in just a couple of months and I'm a nervous wreck you guys. What if Kyren doesn't get the attention he needs? and for that matter what if I'm not able to give Jace the much deserved attention that he needs? What if I'm not capable of loving baby #2 as much as my KyBuggy (It's a real fear, someone please knock some sense in to me)? What if I don't lose all of the baby weight that I've put on so quickly this time around? What if I'm not able to fulfill my church calling or make it to the Temple? What if I lose my patience and say something that I don't mean? What if I'm too hard on Kyren when he is "helping" and feeds our little guy something that he could clearly choke on? What if I mess up? I'm so terrified of messing up.

As one of my very favorite bloggers has said "adulting is hard. mothering is harder" It is you guys, it's so hard.
Marjorie Pay Hinckley has said "Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them. Mothers are endowed with a love that is unlike any other love on the face of the Earth"

Tonight I hugged Ky and got a kiss from him and I wanted to burst in to happy tears **for the first time today because we were finally getting along. Tonight I sent Jace to bed early and on his own so I wouldn't keep him up tossing and turning until 3:30 in the morning...So here I sit, alone. Just me and you, thinking about all of the things I could have done differently today. The longer I sit the longer my list grows. I know I'm overbearing. I know I worry way too much about things that aren't in my control. I know that I baby my Kyren Babe. I know that I often don't give my husband the attention that he so much deserves. I know that I take for granted so many of lifes moments. I know that I need to refocus and count my blessings more than I do. I know that I need to stop drinking so much soda and chewing on so much Ice. I know that I need to let my guard down and just enjoy life. I know that I need to remember what life is about. I know that I need to love a little better and try a little harder......and as I could sit here all night and name to you the things that I know of, of this be sure. I KNOW that of all the things I'm doing wrong in the world or by the "worlds standards" that loving my little family is the one thing I'm doing right. My heart aches to send my husband back to work because I genuinely love him. I love the time that I have had with him and consider it a HUGE blessing that he got laid off...because I have SO needed him and Kyren has SO loved having him home with us. I worry about them too much because I genuinely love them. I fear for their well being because I genuinely love them. I stress about being the "perfect" mom and wife because I genuinely love them. I'm hard on myself, I know it's true. It's not very often that I get the time now days to sit and write down the things going on with us Ropelato's let alone my feelings.. But tonight I write because today my heart has been loaded, has been aching, and the tears have been needing to flow.

So to those who are reading this, thank you for listening. To those who may have a heavy heart for what ever reason..sit and write ten things you are grateful for. To those who just need a good cry let it out. To those Momma's needing to know you are doing okay, you are. You are brave, beautiful, strong, and you are a complete rock star!

Here's my list of ten::
1- My adoring husband.
2- Our beautiful boys.
3- Our families.
4- The Gospel and my testimony.
5- A home to live in.
6- A new day, tomorrow.
7- Prayer.
8- A forever family.
9- Ice.
10- Blessings in disguise.