Letting it out.

For the last month my sweet husband has been home with Kyren and I. Honestly, it has been the all time greatest thing for me and Kyren. Tomorrow he starts a new job and I won't lie I'm completely devastated. Like cry my eyes out and have a really heavy heart devastated. Today has been rough for me, and I feel like my eyes have been needing to leak all day and I have had to keep telling myself to pull it together. Throughout the last month Jace and I have quite literally spent every single day together...at first I was pretty concerned that we would get irritated with each other because let's be real we all need a little alone time. This time was so different. It's not like Kyren and I haven't been on our own throughout the day before and it's not like being home with him by myself is new to me. But I have found myself so scared this time around. I'm not sure if it's because I'm almost 7 months pregnant and have a terribly hard time keeping up with the little skunk or if I just have depended so much upon Jace these last couple of weeks. Jace has been the ultimate champion around here the last few weeks to both KyBug and I. He has given me the breaks that I needed, kept Ky happy, helped with the house work and has ran all over the place just for me. Tomorrow I send him to work and I feel like I'm sending him away for much longer than just a few hours. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Kyren is growing up all too fast. I'm a worry wart mom. I admit it! Like I worry way too much and about wayyyy too many things. There are so many scary and sad defeating things happening in the World today. I can honestly say I have found myself wanting to stay inside away from it all and hide my sweet angel. WHY? Because it truly scares me to take him anywhere. It's sad that we live in a world that is the way it is. I get major anxiety to take him in to public. I get major anxiety in the car because who knows who isn't being aware of their surroundings or just don't care. I get major anxiety when he is at the pool because his little ears have been known for ear infections. I get major anxiety when he's asleep at night and I can't be right where he is. What kind of mom am I? Seriously. I feel like I am losing it! and what kind of life am I living when I am so scared of the things going on that I have pretty much put us in a little bubble.

This little babe of ours will be making his debut in just a couple of months and I'm a nervous wreck you guys. What if Kyren doesn't get the attention he needs? and for that matter what if I'm not able to give Jace the much deserved attention that he needs? What if I'm not capable of loving baby #2 as much as my KyBuggy (It's a real fear, someone please knock some sense in to me)? What if I don't lose all of the baby weight that I've put on so quickly this time around? What if I'm not able to fulfill my church calling or make it to the Temple? What if I lose my patience and say something that I don't mean? What if I'm too hard on Kyren when he is "helping" and feeds our little guy something that he could clearly choke on? What if I mess up? I'm so terrified of messing up.

As one of my very favorite bloggers has said "adulting is hard. mothering is harder" It is you guys, it's so hard.
Marjorie Pay Hinckley has said "Be a Mother who is committed to loving her children into standing on higher ground than the environment surrounding them. Mothers are endowed with a love that is unlike any other love on the face of the Earth"

Tonight I hugged Ky and got a kiss from him and I wanted to burst in to happy tears **for the first time today because we were finally getting along. Tonight I sent Jace to bed early and on his own so I wouldn't keep him up tossing and turning until 3:30 in the morning...So here I sit, alone. Just me and you, thinking about all of the things I could have done differently today. The longer I sit the longer my list grows. I know I'm overbearing. I know I worry way too much about things that aren't in my control. I know that I baby my Kyren Babe. I know that I often don't give my husband the attention that he so much deserves. I know that I take for granted so many of lifes moments. I know that I need to refocus and count my blessings more than I do. I know that I need to stop drinking so much soda and chewing on so much Ice. I know that I need to let my guard down and just enjoy life. I know that I need to remember what life is about. I know that I need to love a little better and try a little harder......and as I could sit here all night and name to you the things that I know of, of this be sure. I KNOW that of all the things I'm doing wrong in the world or by the "worlds standards" that loving my little family is the one thing I'm doing right. My heart aches to send my husband back to work because I genuinely love him. I love the time that I have had with him and consider it a HUGE blessing that he got laid off...because I have SO needed him and Kyren has SO loved having him home with us. I worry about them too much because I genuinely love them. I fear for their well being because I genuinely love them. I stress about being the "perfect" mom and wife because I genuinely love them. I'm hard on myself, I know it's true. It's not very often that I get the time now days to sit and write down the things going on with us Ropelato's let alone my feelings.. But tonight I write because today my heart has been loaded, has been aching, and the tears have been needing to flow.

So to those who are reading this, thank you for listening. To those who may have a heavy heart for what ever reason..sit and write ten things you are grateful for. To those who just need a good cry let it out. To those Momma's needing to know you are doing okay, you are. You are brave, beautiful, strong, and you are a complete rock star!

Here's my list of ten::
1- My adoring husband.
2- Our beautiful boys.
3- Our families.
4- The Gospel and my testimony.
5- A home to live in.
6- A new day, tomorrow.
7- Prayer.
8- A forever family.
9- Ice.
10- Blessings in disguise.

Cabin Fun

We went camping a few weeks ago with Jace's side of the family and oh guys was it a heck of a ride.
Kyren definitely was not the most pleasant to be around the majority of the week which unfortunately, made for an unpleasant mom to be around.

It's almost disappointing to openly admit how many times I lost my "cool" with my sweet little one. There were nights he wouldn't fall asleep until 3:30 in the morning and then decided he wanted to be up at 5:00 screaming for literally hours on end. One night it was SO bad that I told Jace I was leaving and if our car wouldn't have been blocked in I certainly would have.

If any of you know our little Ky-Bug you know that he is stubborn as all get out. Take Jace and then add in a bit of myself and you get Kyren aka the most stubborn 2 year old you'll ever meet. It's a constant battle between the 3 of us and I'll be honest we rarely win the war.

He walked around with the four wheeling helmets on almost 24-7 and it was the cutest.
Anyway, I didn't take too many pictures because...well, I had my hands full with a grumpy two year old instead of the camera but I was able to capture a few of the good moments we had.

He played with Shelby for what had to be a good two hours straight. Between putting on, taking off, trading helmets, and reading books he was a happy camper and so was I. Thank you Aunt Shelby for giving this mom a much needed mom break!

Anyways, we did get to enjoy the Manti Pageant while we were down there and Kyren was a hoot. He is one funny with a heck of a personality little boy when it is just Jace and I around him but other people rarely get to see his goofy side. Well if anyone was watching they definitely got in on some of what Jace and I get to witness every.single.day! He danced. He giggled. and he honestly was just so fun to watch! I can honestly say he behaved better those two hours than the entire week.

and because these two just melt my heart! Kyren adores his dad and I adore their relationship with each other. He may be a mommy's boy but when dad is around he can always be found not too far behind. These two will be best buddies as Kyren gets older and that I'm sure.

Here's to hoping that there will be far easier camping trips and a much happier baby... Of this I'm sure, our time as a family of 3 is coming to an end and we will soon have another little baby with us. As hard as life can be with just us I will definitely miss the one on one time I will get with Ky and being able to give him so much of my undivided attention.

Kyren turns 2!

"My sweetest, handsome boy. Today you are two! you are a busy-full of energy-smart-charming, with a heart of absolute Gold little go-getter who made me a Mom on this very day two years ago. Every time I think about it, my heart aches but only because I love you SO much! I feel like I have always known you, loved you, and like you've always been mine. Happy birthday to my littlest mini, daddy's little follower, and big big brother. We love you!"

Keeping up with Kyren:
1- You are 23 lbs and 33 inches tall.
2- You have a mighty kick and are bound to be an all-star (just like your daddy)
3- You love your fruits, juice, and anything with sugar!
4- You are as stubborn as they come. **We keep asking you to say 2 and you just won't...unless, it's on your terms when not any one is asking.
5- You say cheese, one and two, please, thank you, welcome, hot, baby, cheese, tickle, choo-choo, sorry, bye, let's go, come on, goal, ow, cookie, Jace, dad, mom, grandma, mine, football, ball, beep-beep, Brina, Stratty, and a number of other things.
6- You know how to open the door to the garage and the garage door :(
7- You can climb out of your crib but instead yell "mom-mom-mom" to come to your rescue.
8- You have had a number of ear infections and may be getting tubes in those small little ears.
9- You have been slowly refusing to nap but if we're lucky you'll go right down and sleep for a few hours.
10- You hate diaper changes, going to bed, and when you don't get your way.
11- You kiss moms belly, and tell little brother to wake up! Let's be real, you're in for a real treat when this little babe makes his debut...I think we are too!
12- You could live outside and you would if we would let you. You enjoy 1-3 Popsicle's a day! --Parents of the year award.
13- You have a major melt down when we leave grandma's and an even bigger melt down if I tell you we can't go to Grandma's at all.
14- You hands down win the award for best and cutest laugh!

To celebrate being two the three of us went to the Hogle Zoo for Ky's very first time. Here's a few pictures to show his sweet little celebration! Thanks for letting us spoil you.

--He may want me a lot of the time but he is truly happiest when Jace is home with us. It has been something real special to watch the two of them together; to interact, to ride Four Wheeler's, to kick balls, to tickle Mom, to watch Kyren fall asleep on Jace's shoulder, to see Jace teach him and sometimes get after him for hitting mom, and really just to watch them eat together, or brush their teeth. It really is the most simplest of things that make my mommy heart happy but to watch my husband and my son together truly warms every part of me!

--Dear Kyren, you entered our lives at a time we weren't expecting you and thought "waiting" to start our family would be the best. I'm so SO thankful our all knowing Heavenly Father had a better and a much different plan for us. You stole my heart at first sight. You my littlest love were the absolute sweetest, easiest, and happiest tiny babe and you have grown in to the busiest, full of tantrums but most loving little boy! I can't tell you how many times you've made the journey, the day, and often even the hour worth it! You melt my heart.

--Funniest thing, his very favorite animals at the entire Zoo were the Sea Otters. I'm sure it's because he loves the Water and could see them swimming below it. But we visited them multiple times and was nervous of all the other animal statues except this one!

You make us happy. We love you SO gosh dang much! Happy birthday to you my favorite two year old and here's to another great year of change, laughter, growth, and memories.

Beautiful Mekena

Being a Mom

Being a Mom, mommy, or a mama has a different meaning or should I say meanings to all of us..
and in A LOT of ways I'm sure we all have shared meanings.

Some days I think to myself
"Heck! Give me 100 more little mini Jace's running around"
and then of course there are definitely those days that I think to myself
"MOMMMMMM! PLEASE SAVE ME"!
and save me, she does! Why? You may ask. Well simple. Because she's my mom!

Motherhood is a hard-complicated-draining business.
Not for the faint of heart, that's one thing I do know.
Sleepless nights, having to make that 'quick' errand run even quicker,
never ending laundry, early mornings and even longer nights, put off naps, summer scrapes and bruises, tears to dry, snacks to be packed, toys to be cleaned, and too many tantrums for one Mom to tackle alone.

"Parenting is so much harder than it looks on Full House"
--never a more true quote!

I love my Son...(going to be TWO sons. Party on!)
In fact, I have never been more proud of anything in my life.
Let me give you an illustration of something that happened to a friend a few weeks ago. Okay okay, fine. It happened to
me not a friend. We were in town, JC Penney's I want to say, and I ran off to the bathroom. If any of you know me, a bathroom trip is seriously a 30 second thing for me. I left my little man babe with my Husband and Mom. When I returned they told me that Kyren had something to show me, a Cheetah Purse. I looked for him to show me and just like that he was gone. I asked where he was and quickly found he wasn't there. Do I put blame on two of the most important people in my life? NO, never. But I tell you this story because it was a turning point for me. A magical, needed, and SO not wanted moment for me to have. I stayed in the same area he had gone missing in. Mom went up front and Jace checked everywhere. After 10 minutes..who knows, maybe even 5 minutes he was found. (The absolute longest, and hated few minutes of my entire life!) On the complete opposite side of the store, talking to a small little boy. Not scared, Not looking for me, and with no idea how badly my Mommy heart was hurting.
Jace handed him to me; I hugged him, I cried, I hugged him tighter.

All of the sudden the time I had spent that morning fighting him to get in the shower and bribing him to eat his cereal. The days I had to put him in his crib, walk out, and take a 20 second breather. The many many car rides that Mr. and I have had to take him on recently just to get him to sleep. Countless hours I've spent on the floor playing with cars, trains, and blocks just to be yelled at because I was playing "wrong". Four Wheeler rides nearly everyday after his nap just to keep him from screaming. Leaving every store with a ball because that's what he wanted and just couldn't live without. Car rides of having to pull over because he just wouldn't have it. That one time he decided to color us a pretty picture all over our Mazda with a rock and the very next day drawing the exact same picture on his Aunt Brina's car. Those times as a little babe that I would have to rock him for an hour and sing him "I have a family here on Earth" over and over again. The head butting, the pinching, the throwing of food, toys, my phone, and even himself on to the ground.

-Those little moments, that sometimes happen all too often...
felt so much like miracles.
He is the luckiest of opportunities. He is the most incredible blessing to me.

Suddenly, I saw very clearly something that I have always known but tend to lose sight of way too often.

It is truly a blessing and a gift to be wanted, to be called for, to be tugged at, pulled on, cried to, cried on, spit up on, laid on, jumped on, sat on, followed around, hugged, kissed, tight squeezed, wanted, and to be the one he needs.

With it being Mother's Day I have thought an extra lot about motherhood. I hope and I pray so badly that I can be the mother that takes time to get on the ground and play with cars, and builds train tracks. That I can be the mom that slides down the slide and plays in the dirt. I hope that I can be the mom that reads just one more story or sings one more song. I hope that I can be the mom that spoils her babies despite what other people think. I hope that I can be the Soccer Mom, Basketball Mom, Baseball Mom, Football Mom, and maybe even Dance Mom. I hope that I can be the mom that holds his (their) hands when they walk to school, that I can be there when they get home, that I can help with homework, and feed them ice cream cones. I hope that I can teach them to be kind, to be loving, to give compliments, to believe in themselves like I do.
I genuinely hope that I can be the mother to them that my sweetest mom has been for me.